Impact of Deflecting Personal Attacks
In our daily lives, we often encounter situations that can leave us feeling deeply affected, particularly when faced with shaming or hurtful comments from others. This phenomenon is known as taking things personally.
Author Volker Weidermann, a culture correspondent for DIE ZEIT, sheds light on this common issue in his books, such as "Buch der verbrannten BΓΌcher," "Ostende," and "TrΓ€umer," published by Kiepenheuer & Witsch.
To navigate such situations more effectively, Weidermann suggests approaching them with more spaciousness. This means holding the situation, our own feelings, and the other's feelings with care, allowing for exploration without instinctively denying or accepting responsibility. By doing so, we can bring greater inner resources to the table.
Maintaining personal boundaries is also crucial. This allows us to engage with our partner while not taking the situation too personally. It's not realistic to expect that we won't be personally affected when someone close to us criticizes or dismisses us, but by setting boundaries, we can protect ourselves from being overwhelmed.
When we find ourselves taking things personally, it's important to remember that not everything is about us. However, when it is, we can own up to it and repair any broken trust. This involves taking responsibility for our hurtful behavior and exploring the reasons behind it, which can lead to an apology.
Instead of attacking back or getting defensive, pausing can provide perspective and sensitivity to the other person's feelings. This pause can help us avoid reacting impulsively and instead respond with empathy and understanding.
Old hurts or childhood traumas might be activated by something said that has little or nothing to do with the current situation. Comments like "You only think about yourself" or "How can you be so stupid?" can trigger deep-seated emotions. In such cases, it's easier not to take things personally with people we don't know well.
However, it's important to note that not taking things personally may sometimes be an overly ambitious goal. But we can work towards seeing things with greater clarity. Gradually, we can live with more compassion for ourselves and others.
A useful tool in navigating these situations is Non-violent Communication (NVC), a communication skills training approach aimed at revealing how one is affected by another's behavior. By using NVC, we can express our needs and feelings clearly and compassionately, fostering healthier relationships.
Incidents of road rage, for example, can be a result of the other person's hard day, hard life, or past traumas. We may have triggered someone's survival fear, causing a fight/flight response. In such situations, it's essential to remember that our actions and words can have a profound impact on others, and we have more control over how we respond than over how others view us.
Healthy shame can remind us to be more mindful in situations, without paralyzing us with toxic shame. By acknowledging our mistakes and taking steps to rectify them, we can grow and learn from our experiences.
In conclusion, understanding and overcoming the tendency to take things personally is a journey towards healthier relationships and a more compassionate world. By practicing empathy, setting boundaries, and taking responsibility for our actions, we can foster understanding and growth in our interactions with others.
