"Three Methods to End Excessive Apologies"

Stopping Excessive Apologies: 3 Strategies to Adopt

In many relationships, over-apologizing has become a common occurrence, particularly in cases of prolonged trauma, such as intimate partner violence. This behaviour, often a result of people-pleasing, can be a way for individuals to manage their emotions and seek approval from others.

Research suggests that women, especially those living in or belonging to patriarchal societies, may tend to over-apologize more frequently than men. This tendency can stem from low self-esteem, a feeling of taking up too much space, or asking too much, disrupting the status quo.

Over-apologizing can also be associated with mental health conditions such as depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In some cases, excessive apologizing could be a trauma response, particularly for those who experienced abuse starting young, prolonged abuse, and the perpetrator was in the family.

False guilt and carried guilt are two common reasons for over-apologizing. False guilt refers to feeling responsible for something you are not responsible for, while carried guilt is feeling guilt for someone else's behavior because they don't feel guilt.

However, it's important to remind oneself that it's safe to take up space and that one is not responsible for managing the emotions of others. Saying "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry" can change the perspective on apologizing, helping individuals to express gratitude without feeling the need to constantly apologize. Examples of saying "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry" include: "Thank you for your patience with me getting here," "Thank you for being willing to help," and "Thank you for reminding me."

Seeking support from a therapist can help cope with excessive apologizing. Psych Central's directory can be used to find a therapist. In cases of intimate partner violence, resources such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) and Loveisrespect.org (866-331-9474 or texting LOVEIS to 22522) are available 24 hours a day. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence also provides a list of resources.

The phenomenon of women over-apologizing was brought to public attention by the viral 2017 commercial from Pantene. A study suggests that women tend to apologize more than men, highlighting the need for understanding and addressing this issue.

In some cultures, such as Germany, excessive apologizing can be a result of cultural norms valuing politeness, a desire to avoid conflict, and the tendency to show humility or respect in social interactions. Regardless of cultural background, pausing before reacting can help determine if an apology is necessary, promoting healthier and more authentic communication.